So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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