you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
