I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
