Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
