dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
