I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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