I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
