do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
