seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Im part way to drunk.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
