i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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