You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize