i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
