Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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