i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
