My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Small penises have feelings too.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
