True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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