If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
