i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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