I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
