Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Quick, to the slutcave!
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
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Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
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New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize