i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
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He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
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I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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