don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
