i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
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I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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