chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Randomize
