Pappa wants mamma naked
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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