woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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