remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
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I booty called her while she was in labor.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
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I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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