did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
