i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
