Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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