just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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