Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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