I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
