The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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