i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
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