my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
