Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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