I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
