where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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