Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
