You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
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There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
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he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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