I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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