awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
