Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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