I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
