were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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