I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
His nipple licking is glorious
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