it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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