what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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