Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
