Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize